I Am Chuck Bass

Discussed: Shit Hitting the Holiday Themed Fan, Getting Rid of Everything That Ever Meant ‘2008′, The French are a Curious Sort, Inexcusable Excuses

We do apologize from the bottom of our hearts for our absurd lack of posts. It started out of a timecrunch, it became a silent protest against the creators of GG for a ridiculous lack of episodes around this emotionally gut wrenching time we call the “holidays”, and has ended up in a total lapse of acknowledgment to the readers who keep us so happy.

This is C, and I promise we’ll be back sooner than soon with some shit that will completely blow your face off. But until then…back into the holiday/finishing-work-up-so-I-can-sleep-and-eat-and-such insanity.

XOXO,
C

Discussed: Two Prophets By The Name Of B&C, Why Does AT&T Stubbornly Bother To Run Commercials NOT During The Show, “Black And White And Totally Over,” Free Amtrak Marketing Advice, Faberge Reputations, C’s Text Messaging Plan, Pronounced Cheekbones Don’t Equate Lack Of Feelings, ‘Word Up’ - Greatest Jam Ever

WILL THEY PAY HIS PHONE BILL ONLY IF HE SWITCHES TO VERIZON?

Well, it was bound to come out some time in the above-ground press, (presently in their death throws), but we called it here first months ago, and now The New York Post has boarded the Hipster Express, wearing only slim fitting black jeans and fedora, and talked to the real life artist and dealer Aaron Rose about the fictional facsimile that he clearly feels has lost a lot in translation.

“It’s funny and it’s flattering, but there’s a part of me that’s like, ‘Oh, go after them - this is not cool. They’re messing with my reputation.’”

And if that’s not enough, he evidently receives 5000 text messages from friends each time an Aaron Rose snore-fest airs, and believes the CW should cough up for his phone bill. PLUS, “”He acts like a model,” says Rose. “Like a male model. Anyone who’s a visual artist would laugh at him.” LOW BLOW!

We hereby posit, the only way to solve this simmering feud: CAMEO! That gymnast chick was on it - why not the real Aaron Rose?

Read the whole interview here(!)

XOXO.

Discussed: PG-13 Versions Of R-Rated Terms, Who Shall Hold The Annals Of GG History, Logical Ordering Of Points, Improperly Locked Down Sets, Pink Newsprint Is Hot, Wheels Of Tragedy (1963), Decidedly Not Magnum P.I. , Comrade Bass, Watching ‘Walk The Line’ One Too Many Times, Undying Love, Apexes Of Intensity, Nauseating Facial Hair, Men Who Throw Down Narcolepsy As Game, My Dream Dinner With Wallace, Capers Are Quite Delicious, Billy Idol, Malleus Maleficarum, Unbearable Interims

MAKING IT LAST - ALL THE WAY TO FREAKING JANUARY 5TH

A clusterfudge, only the CW and Gossip Girl could manage, another legendary episode has passed into the archives.

First things first, starting from the top, things went a little quicker than one would have expected, as last week, had you not seen funeral photos online, it wasn’t exactly clear Bart Bass was in fact dead. But the opening shots were of condolence flowers brimming from the shelves of his former castle while his Sargaent Slaughter scowl made for front page eulogizing on the New York Observer or whatever paper it was. It’s almost as if there’s a missing episode. Ie: still unexplained - what on Earth could that hulk of a limo gone through to kill Bart dead and leave the fat faced bottom feeding P.I. unscathed? This is elaborate flights of fantastical plot prone Gossip Girl we’re talking about after all: who’s to say there’s not a Season Three Bart-emerging-from-hiding-in-Havana storyline in the works? A cast/bandage/bruise consolation injury on the P.I. would have at least made us feel slightly assuaged in this department.

As expected, this entire affair could only mean a tour-de-force of Chuck Bassian proportions. And his booze medicated, heroin chic kerscuffaling through the episode was indeed something to marvel at, especially, completely unsurprisingly, when dealing with his complicated relationship with Blair. And, holy crap, him and Blair: holy crap, holy crap, holy crap. She finally, nobly, fessed up her love in an unfortunately written yet still moving speech, culminating with a wedding crashing, Darota-cuteness-inspiring scene of unrivalled intensity in the history of the show thus far. …

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Discussed: When Good Things Happen To Good People, Iridescently Unisex Apparel, “Having Feelings”, Impressive Crying On Cue, Sometimes You Have To Phone It In, Louis Vitton Pumps: Who Knew?, When Limos Evidently Aren’t Indestructible, Neural Correlates Of Self Reflection, Frederick’s Of Hollywood, Reserving Judgement.

THE ALARMING ACCURACY OF WEB POLLS REVEALED

Ahh, all is right in the world. Mondays have been restored to their original glory: Chuck showed Serena how to really rock a sparkly jacket. Nate continues to be the biggest slut known to man - Vanessa! Jenny! Vanessa! And all manners of ghosts of former loves were at least slightly rekindled. Oh, plus borderline pornographically gratuitous shots of Blair’s legs putting on shoes (further proof they’re reading us).

But of course there’s the big news. Unless Bart’s limo spun out of control and careened into the happenstance passing taxi of a lovelocked Nate and Vanessa, killing her dead - we know whose funeral is forthcoming. As to whether this signals the show jumping the shark, it remains to be seen how it will be dealt with. The whole affair really was set up for maximum dramatic impact though - with Lily announcing her leaving Bart, Bart’s P.I. announcing he’s got some major juice on her stint in the insane asylum, and a very serious Chuck looking out for his father and perhaps finally making a move on Blair; a feat of interweaving storylines incapable of being so tactfully executed elsewhere. But…

Read the rest of this entry »

Discussed: Apologies For Our Absence: A ‘Mea Culpa’ Of The Highest Order (To Be Played With Accompanying Youtube Video/Audio), Watered Down Surprisingly Commercially Viable Belgian New Beat, Worth The Wait - We Soon Shall Know, Thank God For DVR, When Even Z-CoiL® Won’t Help, Stating The Obvious, A Smiling Karl Marx, To Happily Live In Exile, Here’s To You Sarcastic Meow

A WEEK WITHOUT GOSSIP GIRL = A WEARILY WEAK WEEK INDEED

While re-watching old episodes never in fact gets old, this last week of going without truly was too much tragedy to bare.

Fine, fine - Thanksgiving, family, friends, vegan stuffing and whatnot, but with an impending death, compelling characters and the contentment weekly airings bring, our steps these last 7 days were considerably less springier  - a palpable sadness evidenced in our sorry lack of posts here.

But! The good news! IT’S MONDAY! And no amount of Bush admitting he was unprepared for Iraq or saying how sorry about the economy he is while simultaneously documents are released showing his administration had explicit advanced warning about the collapse of capitalism and how regulation was recommended but WAMU lobbyists blocked all that can take this away from us! Fuck you Charlie Gibson and your Monday night cock-blocking World News! Oh, to live in Canada and have GG gloriously unchallenged on a Sunday night…

So, to all our IACB.com friends, it’s good to be back. You’ll be seeing a lot more of us around these parts.

XOXO.

Discussed: Baywatch + Free Willy + El Matador, Thigh-High Stockings, I’m Splitting Town, Super-CEOs, Seriously I’m Out Of Here, If You Haven’t Danced Yet What The F**K Did You Come For? (Classic Techno At It’s Finest)

So here’s the big Monday. A preemptive Holiday episode when much of the country is under an Al Gore-foreseen state of considerably-warmer-than-comfortable temperatures. A jump like this can only signify one over the shark…or so we fear.

Someone dies. We know there’s a funeral coming up, and with the implied “accident” in this trailer, we expect this episode is the turning point. We have to say that this scares the shit out of us. It’s not that we don’t believe the GG writers can pull it off (because they’ve pulled off some pretty ridiculous plot twists in the past) but it’s something worth being concerned about. What inherently land-mind-ridden show can withstand a twist like this????

Having said that, if one can - it’s Gossip Girl. And if our poll has any say in the matter, Bart’s days are numbered (better get my Bart Bass Expose´ piece up before the weekend’s out!) Having said that, we have our own opinion, and we’ll stand to see if we’re vindicated or…wrong. Which is impossible.

You know you love us,
XOXO.

p.s. The above composition is by super SICK! artist & super-business rabbit. I felt it was a pretty fitting depiction of what this show would look like if it Jumped The Shark.

Discussed: Tricky Transitions From Music Videos To Feature Films, Having Hal Ashby Be Your Favorite Director Can’t Save You, Alongside ‘Brazil’ and ‘The Element of Crime’, Expensive Animatics, Comic Books In Historical Context, Money Isn’t Everything, Unfortunate Animal Analogies, Hyperlinking = Lazy Blogging?, Counting Unhatched Eggs – CGI Or Otherwise, We’re Available To Music Supervise

RESCUING THE X-MEN FRANCHISE FROM RATNER-HELMED BLOODBATH

While our cinephilic tastes may verge on the obscure and slightly elitist, that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate blockbusters as well. And there’s perhaps no greater blockbuster of the last decade than X2 – X-Men United. While Bryan Singer’s first installment of the franchise hinted at greatness, it was hampered by a ramped up production schedule and budgetary constraints. It was with the aforementioned sequel that Mr. Singer really outdid himself, with a transgressive, timely genre masterpiece since unrivalled in greatness. Sadly, he dropped out of the third installment, leaving it to the incapable, shlocky, plump hands of Brett Ratner to ruin. And ruin he did; while the film boasted a formidable box office haul, most people would admit – what a sucky, sucky film he left us with, not to mention the accompanying lingering bad taste on our delicate palettes.

Now comes word, the suits in Tinsletown are looking to resuscitate this cash cow franchise for a younger generation, taking advantage of the young mutants at Xavier’s School For the Gifted. And where better to look for compelling stories about kids in a school for the gifted for a young generation, than Gossip Girl creator Josh Schwartz!

CLICK HERE to read the Variety article on the matter.

This is big news, and while it’s quite exciting, it should also be approached hesitantly. He has the option to direct, which, as an unproven commodity, a lot could rest in the balance here. Also, is Alexandra going to do the music? The beauty of this franchise is the alternative reality in which everything takes place, an alternative reality which does not feature Santogold.

That said, this could be an inspired fit, and we’re very much looking forward to the further development of this. Your feelings?

XOXO.

Discussed: Trusted Turkey And Television Recipes, Resolution Without Resolution, Werner Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, Life Affirmation Through TV Marathons, When Facial Hair Doesn’t Work, Incorrect Diagnosis Of Exophthalmos, C. D. Broad’s “Five Types of Ethical Theory”, Making Howard Zinn Proud, Criterion Collection Product Placement, Prolonging The Inevitable, Swim Team – Homosexual Haven, He’s Fit To Print, Only Good Things Come From Reading Other People’s Mail (and Facebook Walls)

HAPPY STALKER-GIVING!

Asked for a holiday episode we did, and a holiday episode was what we received; an emotional tour-de-force of family! family! family! with a nice thick sauce of stalkery drizzled atop.

Thankfully, and much to the credit of the episode, Agnes went the way of Georgina, dismissed with merely a few muttered lines from Rufus, so therefore without any great resolution, which makes us a little nervous for what our future may hold. But never us mind, as from there on out, we were immersed in an awesome, classic GG interlocking web of relationships, character development and story that had us yearning for our marathon days of experiencing episodes back to back to back, a giddy whirl of exciting ups and downs. …

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Discussed: What A Weekend, My My, What a Weekend; Our Houses Aren’t On Fire, But Our Brilliance Is…No Wait…Now Our Houses Are On Fire; A Much Needed Monday; The Possible Coming Promiseland; Cars That Go Swoosh; Jacking House

What a great day today is, as it marks our weekly return to sanity through a Mexican food-fueled Gossip Girl Watch-Off!

I’ll make one quick note, then throw out a bunch of questions: This episode is named The Magnificent Archibalds, a pun on The Magnificent Ambersons, the 1942 “Orson Welles” film about a decaying family. The title is part of an ongoing series of Hollywood-cinema-masterpiece inspired names (see: awesome yet-to-be-written post about these movies).

Fun little fact on The Magnificent Ambersons: Welles’ first cut of the film was 135min, and pretty bleak. He went to Brazil to shoot another movie, while he was away RKO recut the movie, removed 40min of the film, reshot the ending (a happier one) and eventually destroyed the 40min of negative to “free up vault space”. I believe the reasoning was that during a World War, bleak two hour & fifteen minute films didn’t exactly bring the box office to its knees.

Here’s the Trailer, then the Open Questions:

• How did Nate’s dad get back into the country? It’s not THAT easy.
• Is Che Nate moving to the Dominican Republic to fish and run rum?
• Are Aaron & Serena going to sleep together, or are they jumping right into the threesomes?
• Is Jenny going to move in with the van der Woodsen’s? And if so, who proposes it? Awesome Lily, or Mr. Don’t-Back-Down
• Is Agnes gone forever?
• Could our prayers be answered and this really is a Dan-free episode?

Ready, Set, Comment.
XOXO

Discussed: Grose’s Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, The Fonz Is Not The (Chuck) Bass, Proliferation Of The Everyman As Expert, Mourning Chic, Agatha Christie, Ruining City Cycling For Everyone, The Allure Of Speculation, 15,000 Episodes?!, Channeling Your Inner Clairvoyant, Stroking Your Egos

PLANNING FOR THE FORMER, FEARING THE LATTER (NEVER DOUBTING, NEVER DOUBTING)

While our aim for this site is to operate as a place of analysis, insight and enthusiasm towards the importance, occurrences and style of GG, we try to refrain from the rampant feral gossip mongering and snide holier-than-thou OMG-ing of many others out there. Recently, though, some things came to our attention, in the form of some ominous, darkly clothed photographs from the set we feel burdened to address and poll here.

From the looks of things, there’s clearly a death and funeral afoot. Murder most foul? A collision with a kamikaze Chinese food delivery man hurtling down 6th Avenue on a delicately balanced bike? Wronged-by-Bart-Bass avenging revenging union bosses in plaid flannel? Fashion week orgy/O.D.? Questions we don’t yet have answers for but soon shall, as someone is, undoubtedly, biting the dust.

Call us skeptics, but this seems a bold move for a show with so much at stake in such a delicate balance; appearing a bit ‘Guiding Light’ for a successful second season of a show predicated on (mostly) strong storylines, authored with great commitment and authenticity. Again, we remain confident in our trust of the GG writers, so the benefit of the doubt is extended, but one really must wonder.

We think we know who it is, but what of you our loyal readers?

XOXO.

Two guys (B & C) blindsided by their love of Gossip Girl, bring you a slightly more masculine take on the Best Show On Television.