BATTLE OF THE BITCHES: Serena Vs. Dan
Discussed: Grudge Matches Fueled By Heartbreak, Existentialism And The Problem of High School Romance, Heretofore Unexplored Measures of Magnitude, Delayed Onset Stockholm Syndrome, Words of Wisdom: “All Girls Are Crazy, It’s Just Finding The Particular Brand Of Crazy You Most Love”, Power Of Climatic Analogies, Aquanet, Masterclasses In Wasted Opportunities, The Audacity Of Hope
AND THE TITLE GOES TO…
It’s been a rough year to be Dan Humphrey. With no super sexy figuring-her-shit-out girlfriend idolizing your outer borough coolness and general know it all attitude on all things about everything, you, Dan Humphrey are a tsunami of self righteous, unsympathetic, mansy-pansy annonyingness to the bitch degree.
Sure, Serena gave you a run for your money. That string of episodes towards the beginning of the season saw a flare of bitch-osity that could surely have frightened a stoic stone gargoyle to its core, but as the weeks progressed, we’ve really seen the other side to her, a little rationale and reason behind her Girl Insanity. Which in many ways is the nice thing about Serena, she’s complexily non-complex. While the Serena Crazy Drama Tornado may touch down wreaking havoc for a perplexed 25 mile radius, the glaringly obvious causatory reason is lurking just behind the hairsprayed centrifugal funnel of angry blonde locks, easily decipherable yet still quite rewarding in the secret unlocking. …
But you, Dan, you; squandering not one, but two, writing internships when you supposedly want to be a Writer: suck it up, dude. Your handling/still-born befriending of Chuck Bass – not so smooth. Vanessa is still doing your dirty work, your feelings towards her still erratic and unnecessarily complex, whose fuckupedness you unleash on anyone in your vicinity. You lurk around Humphrey Acres, casting slant eyed judgement on the plebeians who pollute your high and mighty life whilst emitting snarky dismissive comments like a sulphurous bog of burbling smug deep in Sanctimonious National Park. Someone deserves a medal for rescuing Nate, don’t they?
Maybe we’re being too hard on the guy, but Season 2 thus far has squandered the amassed charm of Dan Humphrey from the first season. Frankly, for it to have to come to a Battle Of The Bitches between Serena and Dan is too far indeed. Let us Modern Men hope, in the coming weeks, the wayward Dan Humphrey sees a return to the just road of rationality. Hope we will.
XOXO.
November 1st, 2008 at 8:08 am
Thank the good Lord. Dan has to win this battle, for he is the biggest, whiniest bitch on the planet of Gossip Girl. If I met him in real life, I’d have half a mind to punch him in the face.
But then I would remember that punching him in the face would hurt my hand more, and would only fuel his barely-contained misogyny and give him plenty more reasons to moan about how difficult it is to be a white, upper-middle class male. God forbid he have to attend a private school on partial scholarship and actually work in his lifetime.
November 1st, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Let’s not forget that he did bestow upon Nate the phenomenal nickname “man bangs.”
November 2nd, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I admit…I was willing to cut Dan some slack until he crashed & burned with the writing internships. Many would give their eye teeth for such an opportunity and he just lets them slide. I think he’s forgotten how fortunate he is to be at the school he’s attending along with all the perks that accompany such institutions. He’s become just like the rich kids he belittles — he now thinks he’s entitled and doesn’t have to work for anything. He’s become the most annoying character on the show. Moving past Little J, that’s quite the feat.