I Am Chuck Bass

Discussed: Financial Services Commercial Production, Prisoners Need Strip Malls Too, Everything I Know I Learned From Hov, Coming To Terms With Her, A Missed Opportunity For Another V-Cast Series & Product Placement – Wolf Pack Attack, The Bangs Are Back In Town

C here. B usually handles these recaps but due to overly ambitious work schedules and emotional injuries that may or may not have occurred in a three week GG-less stretch, I’m taking over this week. And I apologize in advance, that my kid gloves are not nearly as thick as his…

Who the fuck does Jack Bass think he is? He thinks he can just show up – after being absent for an entire season – with only one previous mention, “save chuck’s life” in Thailand, claim to be the head of a Bass Industries Australian subsidiary, and wrangle control of the empire through a torrid, Amin-worthy coup?

And who does Chuck Bass think he is? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! No one likes to see you this way, least of all your audience. You with your women & your pills & your stupid little girly martini drinks, smothering your already nonexistent self-confidence into some semblance of a mask. You just inherited one billion dollars, and for a fleeting moment, control of a world-wide real-estate empire. And as much as I hate this Jack(ass), you deserved to have your position stripped of you.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but I think Mr. Chuck Bass could take a cue or two from the words of Mr. Lil’ Wayne in his treatise “Do’s & Don’ts of Young Money” from the third part of his “Dedication” lecture series: “Don’t f**king do one f**king song on the motherf**king album, get one motherf**king check, and go f**king crazy, and then get dropped from the motherf**king label.

Hmm Chuck – you listening? Straighten up your tie, comb your damn hair, kick the chick habit, settle down with wifey, grow up to some Scotch and start handling your business. Remember what Jay said – you’re not a businessman, you’re a business, man. So handle your business…damn!

The same could be said for what has become an ever-so-slightly less whiney Dan Humphrey. I get that he’s been put in some pretty over the top situations in his personal life, but last time I checked that man was in serious need of a solid college decision. When was the last time he wrote? And face it, as long as Serena is in your life, your life is going to suck. I had to come to this realization in my own life twice recently – so give me a ring, we’ll go for a drink and straighten your shit out.

This episode witnessed the return of the wolf-pack (the three lower-classmates of Dan & Serena who seem to thrive on a Gossip Girl I.V. and a V-Cast powered Derena GPS). These girls were long overdue for a second appearance and we pray that it won’t be long before a third, forth, etc.

What’s the full story on Jack & Blair? And what happens now – Lily & Rufus get married? Why is Eric back with Jonathan? It’s good to see Little J back, but is her fashion career absolutely obliterated at this point? And where the hell did Nate come from as they walked into the Bass Industries building? I mean, we all wish we had magically appearing friends in times of need, but that was a BIT far fetched…we’re supposed to believe he’d just been posted up at the Bedford Street Gallery, not going to school and kicking it with Vanessa? Lots of questions here…

Having said that, yours truly are not completely foreign to the idea of disappearing when we fall for girls, so we can’t be too harsh on the kid. Plus, he is an Archibald…men of mystery…

You Know You Love Me,
XOXO,
C

Discussed: When The Gossiping Gets Tough, Work Schedules We’d All Like To Have, Without The Internet - Who Can Hear You Scream, The Return Of Security Blankets, Chuck Close - Enviable Best Friend, Art Vs Commerce, Asking If Ok Is Enough, Delineating Drug Differences, How Lonely The Real Aaron Rose Must Now Be - Left With No Fervently Texting Friends, A Remarkably Close Shave - Even Without Product Placement, The Haunting Of Molly Hartley 2, Getting Your Groove Back

CLIFFHANGER: WILL THE BACKSTABBING SECRETS EVER CEASE?

Oh, CW, you’re really making it hard for us. In deference to your lackadaisical holiday programming schedule for GG, we too engaged in a full blown lackadaisical du force, with week upon sorry week of no IACB posts here, no Mixtapes, no Elements of Style - how on Earth did Alexandra know what to think of contemporary music and the screaming markdown of the Phillip Glass box set online?

Alas, we digress, and must admit, while the arriving prospect of a January 5th return of GG to our life managed to maintain its usual exhilarating thrill, in the end, what we were given was a wee difficult to muster the same level of excitement for. “In The Realm Of The Basses” was an all together fine installment, but seems to be indicating what may prove to be a sophomore slump for Gossip Girl. For any other show, the Season 2 we’ve been given thus far would luminously suffice, but on account of the heady apexes of Season 1s refined artfulness, this just does not compare.

Admittedly, perhaps we’re harshing a mellow here. But…

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Discussed: PG-13 Versions Of R-Rated Terms, Who Shall Hold The Annals Of GG History, Logical Ordering Of Points, Improperly Locked Down Sets, Pink Newsprint Is Hot, Wheels Of Tragedy (1963), Decidedly Not Magnum P.I. , Comrade Bass, Watching ‘Walk The Line’ One Too Many Times, Undying Love, Apexes Of Intensity, Nauseating Facial Hair, Men Who Throw Down Narcolepsy As Game, My Dream Dinner With Wallace, Capers Are Quite Delicious, Billy Idol, Malleus Maleficarum, Unbearable Interims

MAKING IT LAST - ALL THE WAY TO FREAKING JANUARY 5TH

A clusterfudge, only the CW and Gossip Girl could manage, another legendary episode has passed into the archives.

First things first, starting from the top, things went a little quicker than one would have expected, as last week, had you not seen funeral photos online, it wasn’t exactly clear Bart Bass was in fact dead. But the opening shots were of condolence flowers brimming from the shelves of his former castle while his Sargaent Slaughter scowl made for front page eulogizing on the New York Observer or whatever paper it was. It’s almost as if there’s a missing episode. Ie: still unexplained - what on Earth could that hulk of a limo gone through to kill Bart dead and leave the fat faced bottom feeding P.I. unscathed? This is elaborate flights of fantastical plot prone Gossip Girl we’re talking about after all: who’s to say there’s not a Season Three Bart-emerging-from-hiding-in-Havana storyline in the works? A cast/bandage/bruise consolation injury on the P.I. would have at least made us feel slightly assuaged in this department.

As expected, this entire affair could only mean a tour-de-force of Chuck Bassian proportions. And his booze medicated, heroin chic kerscuffaling through the episode was indeed something to marvel at, especially, completely unsurprisingly, when dealing with his complicated relationship with Blair. And, holy crap, him and Blair: holy crap, holy crap, holy crap. She finally, nobly, fessed up her love in an unfortunately written yet still moving speech, culminating with a wedding crashing, Darota-cuteness-inspiring scene of unrivalled intensity in the history of the show thus far. …

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Discussed: Marcel Proust, Lessons In Alienation, What Works For Kate Moss May Not Work For Others, Mark Lester’s 1984 Film ‘Firestarter,’ His Power Lies In Making Bad Lines Sound Good, Genome Mapping Pioneer J. Craig Venter, Her Serene Highness The Princess Of Monaco, Dr. William Moulton Marston, When Advertisers Attack, Needing Nate, Eric van der Woodsen In Pilgrim Attire

FOR HOW MUCH LONGER MUST WE TOLERATE AGNES MADNESS?

Oh, Gossip Girl, my my, how tiring you’ve become. Or, more directly, how exhausting your ‘The Emancipation of Little J’ storyline has become. Perhaps you’ve realized the sizable Modern Man viewership you’ve thus far accumulated, and are now trying to develop a fool-proof plan how to best and most effectively squander this resource, replete with applied-with-a-trowel eye shadow, comically hungover dressed-like-a-hippie models and indignant stomping, lots of indignant stomping.

Quote of the episode: “Agnes! What are you doing?!” – Little J, as Agnes douses her precious dresses in lighter fluid. Hmmmm. What POSSIBLY could Agnes be thinking of doing??? What on Earth could possibly be coming next??? OMG! She LIT your dresses on fire! WHO oh who could have seen that one coming?

Frankly, that’s all that needs to be said on this matter. But here’s to hoping the Agnes story line is on the way o-u-t, as those circular hippy sunglasses and boho shabby shit hat signaled the point of no return/end for us. But…

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Discussed: The Pinot Noir Of Television, When Eyeliner Sponsors Attack, Letting the Record Reflect, In the Absence of Becks, The Lower East Side Lumberjack Look Goes National, Predictable Yet Still Hot Hookups, Getting In Touch With Your Inner She Bitch

WHEN INTERNS ATTACK

Ahh, another entry in the continuing to get better and better reign of Season 2 Gossip Girl. Just when last weeks promo had us fretting it’d be a shag cut raccoon eyed tantrum throwing Little J getting her designer diva on for forty four long minutes, we were instead treated to another complex well thought out episode of intricately intertwined relationships.

Boldly opening with a Darota-interrupted masturbation scene, we both marveled at the sheer amount of hotness packed into those initial 10 seconds that reasserted Blair’s dream realm as the most formidable the Upper East Side has ever known, surely earning her a commemorative plaque on her building or something. (…)

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Discussed: “Updating Winston Churchill: ‘IACB.com is speechless, and it takes 642 words to express it’s speechlessness’”, Immanuel Kant’s ‘The Sublime’, Verbose Haters Too Lazy To Really Read, Texting and Tee-heeing Scientists (In Real Life), Shortcomings Of Current Trends and Tropes In Journalism, Will Someone From GG Please Email and Give Us Our Due, Constellations Centaurus and Musca, Great Faux Pas in Hairstyle History, Hot Sex, Gingko Increases Blood Flow, Ho Hum Actors, The Dandy Warhols Did Make A Good Album Once, Animals As Style Gurus

CHUCK IN ASCENSION, CHUCK IN WORLD DOMINATION

Well, well, well – what can we say? Sometimes things happen in life that are beyond words. While some could say we’re prone to excess hyperbole and hype, and some have levied the derogatory judgment on this site as “dense prose,” it doesn’t take a Gossip Girl-faithful nuclear physicist to attempt to tell you precisely how revelatory and amazing “Chuck In Real Life” was. This was next-level television, or the argument could be made, next level narrative entertainment. As C might say “game changing.”

Usually one can run through a recap of the episode noting certain witticisms (“Since You’ve Been Gone was your ring tone”) or improbably awesome happenings, (Chuck lobbing a Nair-tini), but last nights episode was effective, subtle, emotional manipulations of characters and story lines long in the making, not surprisingly, focusing on the most complex and arguably moral character, Chuck Bass. One needn’t even deconstruct the Gossip Girl “Womanizer” promo (borrowing heavily from this site’s content and M.O.) airing during the commercial break to see just to what extent he’s become the crux of the show.

Families, friendship, revenge, business, gentrification, trust and True Love were all on display this week, all filtered through the searing stare of Chuck and instead of offering trite answers written by adults and voiced through kids, we were mainly left with a number of questions: Was Chuck falling for Vanessa? Did the stereotypically soulful African-American bar owner truly invigorate his sense of justice? What toll does Bart’s family-as-business philosophy take? And his complexifying frustrated love for Blair… well, uhh, what of it? (…)

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Discussed: Full Release, Of Course She Drinks Kombucha and Dreams In Bristish, Taking Obvious Digs At Todd Haynes, Harper Lee, Fitness Trail Blazer Jackie Stallone, The Belgian Breakfast Diet, Great Arbitrators In History, “Bromances”, Sci-Fi Devices George Lucas Wishes He’d Thought Of, The Boomtown Rats

SUPERFRIENDS FOREVER

After blue balling us for two whole weeks with no new episodes, expectations were abnormally high. It therefore gave us great pleasure as tonight’s episode concluded leaving us with a distinct feeling of elation in our toes. Having laid all the pieces into place over the entire duration of the show, last season and this, “New Haven Can Wait” saw the complex personal histories of each character played perfectly in actually a rather tender way, starting right at the top with Darota actually functioning as something other than comic relief with a real heart-to-heart about basically raising Blair.

What could have been a long drug out battle of the bitches between Blair and Serena climaxed in a GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) match that ended with a (slightly erotic) truce, ridiculous costumes and a Yale dean drunk on Hiltons Perez and Paris. Rufus proved he was and always will be utterly pussy-whipped by Lily, finally reversing his role as Worst Dad of the Year with Little J, though still refusing to vary his daily breakfast menu of waffles, waffles, waffles. How can she be so skinny if she has Aunt Jemima every morning? And Vanessa proved that with little more then one of her annoying head nods and smiles, she’s New York’s best hard bargainer.

And my oh my, what a night for the boys of Gossip Girl…

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FINDING YOUR BUKOWSKI

Discussed: Medical Ingenuity, Taking Back Things You May Have Written/Published On An Awesome Blog, Monogramming Can Be Fun, Paying The Piper, Comic Books Rule The World, Overrated Photographers, Breaking Into Movies, The Introspection Of Introspection, Sexy P.I.’s

Wow. I mean, what else is there really to say? Though it often seems that the CW uses a precision syringe to fill the commercial breaks with the maximum amount of advertising nausea probable, challenging gold medal holders MTV in the Olympian Games of Commercial Bloating, tonight was remarkable just how much story they were able to jam into a measly one hour slot. Shit was intense!

In further taking their cues from Batman and jumping on the curved and buckling tortured back-story bandwagon, we all got our fair share of GG emotional baggage.; but none more delicious then baggage embossed Bass. Alas, we’re getting ahead of ourselves…

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Discussed: Literary Coups; Dark Clouds On The Horizon; Not Having Time For This Shit-Type Girl Drama; You’ve Got To Give It Up, If You Want to Live It Up; Dan & I Are Treating Ourselves To A Night Of Debauchery because, Frankly We Deserve It.

C here. I usually take a backseat on the episode recaps, as they’re sort of B’s thing, but this week’s episode is just too much. So I come hat in hand, to express some grave concerns I have about the future of Gossip Girl.

Firstly, tonight’s episode, from a Chuck Bass perspective, was fantastic. We got easily twice as much Chuck as usual and all of it was Grade A+ Bassian manipulation (exception: my jury is still out on his buying off of this little Amanda girl). In fact, a lot of this episode was classic GG quality, but there were some indicators that concerned us greatly – things we could have passed up & not thought about, if not for seeing them thrown back at us ten fold in the “Next Week on Gossip Girl” promo.

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Discusssed: Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s 1777 Comedy of Manners, Variations in Menu Ordering Options for Straight Men, The One That Got Away, Royalty Are Insane, Overcoming Your Inner Douche, Being So Emo It Hurts, The Deus Ex Machina, The Dick Wolf Hedgemony, Electric Vs Manual Razors

OMG. Or, more precisely, OMFG.
Tonight, in our book, was Season 2’s first real episode of Gossip Girl.

This is where it all really starts, setting the action back in the city, with the bulk of it in the penthouse of ill repute – The Waldorf School for Scandal. While the previous two episodes were all well and good, they merely were the buffalo wings before the fried chicken as C would say, or as I would say, the Lemon Baby Arugula Salad before the Olive and Caper stuffed Grilled Trout. (more…)

Two guys (B & C) blindsided by their love of Gossip Girl, bring you a slightly more masculine take on the Best Show On Television.